Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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