It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
