I heard we made out
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
