If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
