I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
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Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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