As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
