Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had sex on a dog bed..
Randomize
