woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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