Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
