the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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