Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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