I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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