tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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