how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
