I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
