Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
