The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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