I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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