I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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