I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
