A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
