Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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