I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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