You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
