AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
