woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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