I hate all girls vehemently.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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