Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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