I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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