im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
