I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
