Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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