I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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