dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
