I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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