You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
