erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Randomize
