I wish I could teleport
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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