After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
