It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
