You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
