i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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