Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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