covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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