Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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