I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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