How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
