the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
