Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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