the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
