I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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