Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
