Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
