guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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