I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
