I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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