Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
