She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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