remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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