I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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