I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
