You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
