Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
