i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
